and liberals are suicidal because their guy lost. They’re horrified that
there will be no East Coast billionaire in the White House to shout to the
poor, oppressed and unfed, ‘I too know the pangs of hunger, and that’s why I
hire chefs who serve dinner on time!’”
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presidential election has exposed a great American lie: That elections are
healthy exercises in democracy that bind us together and make the nation
According to the civics books
and pundits, you’d think that by now, a week after the election, we’d all be
singing Kum-by-yah, hugging each other and waving a collective clenched fist
in the faces of nations who reject our common values of freedom, capitalism,
unaffordable health care and the inalienable right to have access to Internet
porn sites, even in grade school libraries.
But it isn’t so. Instead
of being unified, we’re sharply divided and at each other’s throats. Each
side is convinced that the other is leading the nation to certain and total
Democrats and liberals are suicidal
because their guy lost. They’re horrified that there will be no East Coast
billionaire in the White House to shout to the poor, oppressed and unfed, “I
too know the pangs of hunger, and that’s why I hire chefs who serve dinner on
Hollywood types like Robert Redford
are thinking of fleeing to Ireland and Canada because they’re convinced that
President Bush is a madman who will bomb Iran, North Korea and Seattle. They
fear deeply that the president is set to order a secret army of conservative
brown-shirts out to lynch minorities, spray the national parks with Agent
Orange and torch every Starbucks in the nation.
Some liberals fear that Bush has
strange powers that will magically put them in the most terrifying situation
of all: a church pew.
Republicans and conservatives
are equally depressed. Even though their guy won, they’re furious that John
Kerry got even one vote. They’re outraged that we haven’t yet passed a
constitutional amendment that bans elections, declares their views to be law
and mandates that every male child be named Reverend Bob.
They fume that the poor and
oppressed don’t appreciate that there’s a Texas millionaire with inherited
wealth in the White House who is deeply offended by their dependency on
government and unwillingness to work to find their own wealthy relatives.
Republicans can’t understand why Bush
hasn’t yet ordered the invasion of places that they believe pose the greatest
threat to freedom and the American way of life — California, Oregon,
Washington, Massachusetts and other “Blue” states.
People on both sides still spend
their days locked indoors surfing Internet political sites, reading articles
that make their blood vessels pop and condemning their opponents as lunatics
This isn’t healthy behavior and it
has got to stop. Fuming at political and social adversaries is something that
one should get out of the house to do.
So for those political junkies around
the nation who still can’t let go of the election and who need to seethe and
berate in a healthy environment, here are some places you can go to:
-- The National Atomic Museum in
Albuquerque, New Mexico. Forget the Louvre. This is the greatest museum on
the planet. It has replicas of almost every type of atom and hydrogen bomb
ever built. It has Fat Man and Little Boy — the nukes incinerated Hiroshima
and Nagasaki — big bombs, little bombs, a hydrogen bomb the size of a
railroad boxcar, bombs the size of suitcases, bombs, bombs and more bombs!
Here you can see replicas of nuclear-tipped missiles, movies of airplanes
dropping bombs and of bombs blowing up. This is a bomb lover’s paradise.
It’s a great place that traces
the history of America’s, and thus the planet’s, nuclear age, which is
arguably the most dangerous and thrilling period in human history.
The museum is great for liberals
because it gives them a chance to fume over the fact that we won World War II
by nuking Japan and that there are nuclear weapons in the world. Here
they can satisfy their smug, self-righteous anger over nukes by imagining the
world being vaporized by conservative presidents like Richard Nixon, Ronald
Reagan and George W. Bush. There is nothing like visualizing six billion
deaths to prove that you’re right.
Conservatives will love the
museum because it makes them feel secure in knowing that we do have
nukes and that we canvaporize enemies like China, Russia, Iraq, Iran, France,
Germany, Spain, Cuba, Egypt, Jordan, Syria, Vietnam, Cambodia, Lichtenstein,
Beacon Hill, San Francisco and Berkeley any time we want.
-- Any national forest or national
park. To many people, these places, with their forests, meadows, rivers,
mountains and wildlife are tranquil places that offer respite from the
problems, stress and stupidity of everyday life. Hike through a forest on a
spring, summer, fall or winter afternoon and you instantly feel refreshed and
energized and ready to take a club to the boss’ head or leave the overweight,
squawking, nagging spouse for someone who actually fits into a medium sized
pair of underwear.
National parks and forests are
perfect places for liberals and conservatives to continue fighting out the
election and the nation’s cultural wars. There, liberals can celebrate, tie
themselves in mental knots and give themselves psychic bruises all at once.
They can celebrate that they have
helped save wild patches of planet earth and thwarted urban sprawl in its
unrelenting march across the landscape. But they can also fret that dastardly
conservatives are plotting to seize every last spec of public land, chop down
all the trees and replace each one with an oil rig. And to really work
themselves into a vein-popping frenzy, liberals can imagine conservatives
driving giant, gas-guzzling Ford Expeditions down paved highways recently
bulldozed through the wilderness.
Conservatives can vent that by
preserving the parks and forests, selfish, elitist environmentalists are
preventing them from achieving the cherished American dream of paving over
every last blade of grass with asphalt.
But conservatives can comfort themselves
in knowing that at some point in the future, progress and capitalism will win
out and all national parks and forests will be parking lots for Super
And so, political addicts, while
you are fretting, just remember what Mark Twain said about opinions:
“In all matters of opinion, our
adversaries are insane.”
©Copyright 2004. Dennis Domrzalski. All rights