Technology Gone Mad

Technology Gone Mad

May 11, 2003                    Geeks Give Us More Useless Junk

 

Domrzalski

 

     “I don’t need or want my socks to give me stock quotes. I just need them to hide my ugly feet and to not stink. And I don’t want my underwear to solve mathematical equations or to spew out gourmet recipes. They only need to protect my pants from embarrassing stains.”

 

 

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Dennis Domrzalski (Dom-zal-ski) is one of the funniest and most entertaining columnists and authors writing today. He rants against stupidity, hypocrisy, mediocrity and conformity with a flair, blue-collar bluntness and hilarity that no one can match. And his targets, whether they’re corrupted bureaucrats, blowhard, talentless newspaper editors, or dim-witted celebrities hate him because he makes them look like the losers they really are.

The Chicago native has been a newspaper reporter and columnist for 23 years. His new comic novel, I Got Stinky Feet, is an insanely funny attack on everything that is phony, pretentious and politically correct in America.

 

 

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     No one loves technology and the benefits the world’s inventors and tinkerers have brought to the planet’s suffering masses more than I do.

     I fall to my knees and tearfully thank the Almighty whenever I think of the blessing he bestowed on us by giving someone the brains, ambition and courage to invent the pop-top beer can.

     The Internet has made vast troves of information available to all, and now, even a rube living in the most isolated hamlet has instant access the world’s great collections of pornography.

    Although it isn’t considered “technology,” hundreds of millions men’s lives have been made immeasurably better by the invention of the thong panty and women’s bathing suit.

    The miracle fabric that we know as polyester has made the world a better place in two huge ways: It has led to the formation of discount retail chains like Wal-Mart, which give poor and ill-mannered people their own places to shop, and it has driven snooty fashion critics to have nervous breakdowns, thus sparing the rest of us from having to listen to their snobbish babbling.

       Peacenicks decry the development of our mighty, city-busting nukes, but, hell, these atomic wonders stalled by 30 or 40 years the introduction of sushi bars on our sacred soil.

      And while I love TV remotes, telephones that surf the Internet and kitchen gadgets for people who are too lazy to slice a tomato with a knife, I now know that the techno-geeks have gone way overboard and that they must be stopped. Because if they’re not, none of us will have any money left to buy the things we really need, like clean underwear and alcohol and tobacco products.

          The proof that our over-educated engineers and scientists have gone mad comes from a recent news story about an ultra-thin computer screen that is three human hairs thick and that can be bent, twisted and rolled up. And what would we do with a computer screen that can be rolled up and bent?

     Wear it.

     That’s right, the nuts at E Ink Corp. in Cambridge, Mass., think we’ll want to wear a computer screen.

     “Another possible use is a jacket with a screen sewn into its sleeve to allow its wearer to read e-mail while on the run, check stock prices or access maps in an unfamiliar city,” the story said.

     I’m happy to scream obscenities at a computer screen, ache to put my fist through one and threaten to smash one on the floor when the kids spend too much time in front of it instead of the TV.

     But I’m not going to wear a computer screen.

     Why would I?

     I don’t need or want my socks to give me stock quotes. I just need them to hide my ugly feet and to not stink. And I don’t want my underwear to solve mathematical equations or to spew out gourmet recipes. They only need to protect my pants from embarrassing stains.

     Our scientists and engineers have given us wonderful and useful things: Genetically engineered plants that kill bugs, miracle drugs that allow men hours-long erections and cholesterol-busting stuff that lets us eat bacon every day without dropping dead. But maybe we’re reached the top of the mountain when it comes to technological advances. Instead of giving us things that make us live longer and safer lives, the geeks, because they want to keep their high-paying jobs, show everybody how smart they are and fill up their time, are bombarding us with stuff we don’t need and won’t use.

     We’ve been getting clues for several years now that our technology wizards have too much free time. A few years ago, some of these geniuses put their multiple Ph.Ds to use and invented a refrigerator that orders food from the grocery store over the Internet. Since refrigerators don’t have jobs and can’t pay for groceries, the food-ordering fridge has been a bust.

     We now have people who can’t drive, eat in a restaurant or take a dump in the woods without babbling into their cell phones. And it’s all because the geeks have convinced us that we can’t live without these devices. Never mind that humans got by for centuries without talking on the phone while expelling bodily wastes.

     We can stop the nerds from their idiotic quests to develop gadgets we don’t need by refusing to buy these things. Americans must lead the way by refusing to act like human cows that exist only to be milked of cash by corporations and their researchers. We must stop buying every garbage gadget they come out with.

     There’s still no cure for cancer. Blind people still can’t see, and diarrhea still sends people racing to buy underwear when they could be enjoying themselves. Scientists should be working harder on these things instead of on wearable computer screens.

     And if the scientists really want to make the world a better place, make tons of money and distinguish themselves as true geniuses, they should work feverishly to develop stuff that we need, want and will buy: Like powdered or freeze-dried alcohol that can be mixed with water, milk, coffee and brandy.

    Or on toilet paper that our fingers can’t poke through.

     

    

©2003 Dennis Domrzalski All rights reserved