“A new group of
super-morons have been found in the sun-baked desert of New Mexico … the
pathetic people around Elephant Butte Lake in southern New Mexico who decided
that selling and servicing boats in a desert was a shrewd business move.”
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Dennis Domrzalski (Dom-zal-ski) is one of the funniest and most entertaining
columnists and authors writing today. He rants against stupidity, hypocrisy,
mediocrity and conformity with a flair, blue-collar bluntness and hilarity
that no one can match. And his targets, whether they’re corrupted
bureaucrats, blowhard, talentless newspaper editors, or dim-witted celebrities
hate him because he makes them look like the losers they really are.
The Chicago native has been a newspaper reporter and
columnist for 23 years. His new comic novel, I Got Stinky
Feet, is an insanely funny attack on everything that is
phony, pretentious and politically correct in America.
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Some people are just plain stupid. They’re the kind you point out to children
and laugh at: Fools who look into barrels of loaded guns, pay five bucks for
a single, organically-grown green pepper and tell the truth in job
Others are stupid and annoying: Losers who press elevator buttons that are
already lit, don’t start filling out checks until their groceries have been
checked and babble on about how much they love their jobs.
Some people are so stupid, pathetic and dangerous that they deserve the lowly
title of moron. These are dummies who think that their stupidity entitles
them to money: Idiots who spill hot coffee on themselves and fat slobs who
stuff their puffy faces with greasy burgers and then sue fast food joints for
millions over their self-inflicted burns and quadruple chins, and smokers who
blame their lung cancer on tobacco companies, and not on their 45 years of
smoking and of ignoring millions of health warnings about the dangers of
coating their lungs with tar.
“Moron” used to be the lowest you could go on the stupidity scale. But not
anymore. A new group of super-morons have been found in the sun-baked desert
of New Mexico.
These super-morons are the pathetic people around Elephant Butte Lake in
southern New Mexico who decided that selling and servicing boats in a desert
was a shrewd business move and who are now whining that a three-year-long
drought is drying up the man-made reservoir and hurting their businesses.
You didn’t read it wrong. These are people who looked out at a vast expanse
of sun-baked, treeless earth where it hardly ever rains, where water is
scarce, where spit evaporates really fast, where the muddy ditch that’s
called a river regularly goes dry and said: Eureka! A perfect place to sell
And now these super-morons who equate a bone-dry climate with boating are
demanding that state government save them from their own bad choices,
nature’s unpredictability and from annoying things called laws and contracts.
They’re furious that New Mexico officials will release 122,500 acre feet of
water from Elephant Butte this year, causing already record-low water levels
at the lake to drop further. That water will go to farmers in New Mexico and
Texas, and it is being released under the Rio Grande Compact, a 1930s era
water contract that obligates New Mexico to deliver a certain amount of Rio
Grande water to Texas every year.
Water levels in Elephant Butte are low because it has barely rained for
the past three years. Nature hasn’t replaced the water that has been released
and that evaporates from the lake. The Southwest is in the midst of a drought
that’s similar in severity to one in the 1950s that devastated agriculture
and ranching in this region. That 1950s drought was mild compared to the dry
spells that have gripped this area throughout history.
Those low water levels mean that people like super-moron Elephant Butte boat
dealer Paul Scott won’t be able to sell or rent boats because no one will buy
boats at a lake that doesn’t have any water. Scott is furious that New Mexico
Gov. Bill Richardson is keeping to the terms of New Mexico’s contract with
Texas and releasing the water from Elephant Butte.
“We will not have ramps in the water. We will have a mass exodus, and we’ll
be out of business. They have just screwed us,” Scott whined.
No one has screwed Scott and his Sierra County colleagues but themselves—and
God. Anyone who believes there is long-term stability in the boating business
in a desert is a fool.
Since Scott is dumb enough to open a boat business in the desert, he may not
have the mental wherewithal to understand Elephant’s Butte’s purpose. That
would require reading, a grasp of history and an understanding of the
legalities of the water compacts that have been in place for nearly 70 years.
Elephant Butte was built by the U.S. Bureau of Reclamation to store water
from the Rio Grande so it could be delivered to farmers in New Mexico and
Texas when they need it, and to bank water in wet years so there would be
some in dry years. It was built to try to sustain agriculture, which is
another iffy proposition in a desert. That means that the water level in
Elephant Butte rises or falls depending on how much or how little it rains.
And in a brutal, three-year drought, the level is going to fall.
Recreational boating, the business that Scott is in, developed as an offshoot
to the Butte’s agricultural mission. And as high a purpose as it is to
provide a tepid pool of water for people who drink cheap beer and ride in
circles in boats bray and swear at each other, it’s a little higher priority
to get water to people who grow food.
Scott and some of his neighbors and colleagues probably consider themselves
hardy business types. But they’re not. They’re as pathetic as any welfare
pimp, smoker, or overeater who believes that the government or a corporation
is to blame for their own stupidity and life’s harsh circumstances. They
believe they’re entitled to make a living, even if it’s selling boats in a
Scott shouldn’t despair, though. He can still make a go of it. All he needs
is to find someone dumb enough to buy boats in a place where’s there’s hardly
I’m sure he’s got lots of relatives.
2003 Dennis Domrzalski All rights reserved