Detroit from Proximity to a Foreign Neighbor!
Americans! This Fourth of July, while you drink yourself silly, bloat on meat
and blow off your fingers with fireworks, make a pledge to return something
to the nation that has allowed you to vegetate free from fear of invasion.
Each of us can help as this, the greatest nation in all of history, works to
erase forever the shame of the two most disgraceful events in the nation’s
expansionist period. With a little work by each loyal citizen we will inform
the world in a resounding and unified voice that we reject absolutely the
actions of our forefathers. With earnest toil from all we can reverse a dark
blot on our national soul--the two failed invasions of Canada!
This July Fourth, I ask all Americans to redouble their commitment to take
what should have been ours in 1775 and in 1812--the vast forests, pristine
lakes, fertile prairies and maple syrup factories of Canada!
It can and should be ours! Look at a map. Are you not outraged by the icy
finger of Canada that plunges dangerously deep into the Great Lakes region?
Is there any reason why Detroit should be across the river from a foreign
The answer is no! We must reunite the continent and take Canada.
An armed invasion would secure the country for us quickly. But the world
community would frown and the Canadian government would get a national
defense loan from the World Monetary Fund, which gets its money from us, and
that would be crazy.
The Canadians won’t just give us their country. They’re selfish. So we have
to take it from them--steal it right from under their noses. Here’s how:
Millions of Americans vacation to Canada each year in cars, mini-vans and
trucks. Canadian Customs searches vehicles entering the country, but they
don’t check the ones that leave. So, patriots, on your next Canadian vacation
pack a bushel basket and shovel. And when you’re in the land of the selfish
foreigners, scrape up several shovelfuls of their dirt and put it in your
vehicle. Fill the kids’ pockets and shoes with Canadian dirt. True patriots
will pack the foreign soil under their fingernails into their ears and, yes,
even up their nostrils.
If every American who visits Canada brings back a bushel or even a bucket of
dirt, we’ll have that country scraped clean down to rock in just a couple of
What do we do with all that dirt? Dump it into the Gulf of Mexico where we
could build several more states and add to our landmass. We could pile it up
on the Great Plains and make more mountain ranges. We could use it to build
more and stronger levees along the mighty Mississippi River so our people can
move back into flood plains without having to worry about wet basements and
drowned house pets. Canadian dirt could be used to replace all of the topsoil
we’ve lost to bad farming techniques, to fill in sinkholes, to make the
Hawaiian Islands bigger, to fill in the desolate lands of the Great Basin
with fertile farmlands and to make more cemeteries.
This will be the funniest and most satisfying conquest in history. Imagine
the sight of Canadians in Alberta and Saskatchewan standing around,
scratching their heads and saying ‘Eh?’ to each other when they wake up one
day and discover that wheat won’t grow on top of solid rock that’s been
scraped clean of dirt.
Imagine how infuriated Canadians will be when we shoot guns and build
for-profit, capitalist-style hospitals on their pirated dirt! They’ll go
To further insult these human popsicles, label the dirt you steal from them
so we know where it came from. That way we can use the dirt taken from their
sacred parks and precious mountain ranges and build steel mills, chemical
plants and nuclear waste dumps on top of it.
And don’t feel bad for the Canadians who will be stuck living on a giant
rock. They can make money by turning what’s left of their country into an
oversized gravel pit.
Canada always should have been ours. In 1775 our boys occupied Montreal and
besieged Quebec City. But ultimately they were repulsed. Now is the time to
redeem their valiant efforts.
Patriots! Act now! Buy a shovel and keep your fingernails dirty!
Ó Copyright 2003 Dennis Domrzalski All